Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt…

So I’m guessing that you are like most of the people I know and have done some sort of personal growth at some point in your life. But you’ve never felt like you have found the key that unlocks the door to inner peace. Where you are no longer triggered by anything and zen is your modus operandi, and life is just peachy…

You listen to some cool podcasts, read insightful books and try to make the suggested changes that seem to have worked for others but not for you. Or they work for a bit until you fall back into your old ways and still get frustrated because, in your heart, you want to create a better life for yourself and your loved ones. However, you still feel triggered by things that may or may not be logical, and you feel stuck, really fed up with thoughts that are spinning around in your head and emotions that feel less than awesome.

You know deep  within yourself that there’s something that’s holding you back, but you have no idea what, let alone how to fix it. You are unable to comprehend why you don’t feel a sense of fulfilment, yet there is so much to be grateful for in your life but no contentment. Or you feel like life is just passing you by, and you’re just going through the motions, feeling disengaged and uninspired by your daily life.

What if you felt so totally comfortable just being yourself? To show up authentically and confidently in life? What if you had absolute clarity on what living your best life actually looked like to you? And you were able to create a life filled with meaning and purpose and fulfilment? How much angst would just disappear - instantly?!

What would that mean to you? 

I know that for me, it meant a lot! I felt pretty tapped out by the end of most days, and if you asked me what I did for fun, you would be met with a blank stare. That’s what it feels like when you’re not living in alignment.

So what needs to change?

Once I understood how the brain is wired and the ripple effects of social conditioning, I realised how out of whack I was living my life. I went from feeling frustrated and exhausted to grounded and learned how to make empowered decisions. 

Here are my key takeaways that transformed my life.

A clear understanding of how the brain works and how our emotions are wired helps us understand ourselves and others with compassion. We have an innate negative bias because it is more important to remember what will harm us, like poisonous berries that will make us sick or potentially kill us, than it is to remember the sweet-tasting ones. The primitive brain doesn’t care if you’re happy. Its only purpose is to keep you alive!

When we come across a circumstance that has a negative memory, the brain gets triggered and switches over to survival mode. We stop thinking rationally when the brain perceives a circumstance as threatening, and we fall back on simple and familiar responses. We stop using insights or complex thoughts, or planning. Once triggered, we react to the event from past experiences perceived as a similar circumstance. As our emotional intelligence grows, we learn to spot triggers and practice responding in productive ways that form new, favourable habits.

The neurological process of learning is like carving a new path in our brains. Actually, it’s almost literally like carving a new path in our brains. Neural pathways in the brain become more efficient and “worn in” with more use, making them easier to access.

When we think about habits and beliefs, this is an important concept. The easier paths to take are the paths that we’re most used to taking. For me, watching Netflix at the end of the day was a very well-worn path. It was a natural and easy decision. Doing 25 pushups instead — not at all a well-worn path.

The message here is more about compassion and patience. Making big changes is hard. Too often, we want to make a change, hopeful for a quick result, but that’s just not the case.

The other key takeaway I learned was that the social conditioning I experienced does not cultivate a growth mindset. I wasn’t taught to embrace a scientist's way of thinking and question everything until I found what resonated with me. 

The combination of the two kept me feeling stuck. People-pleasing is a way that we are often expected to put others' needs before our own, which can be draining and distracting from our own goals and needs. And beauty standards are also a way that social conditioning holds women to a strict set of expectations around appearance, which can impact our confidence and self-worth. You are told as a woman that your sense of self-worth is based on how ‘sexy’ or appealing you are perceives as!

All of these influences are subtle and often unconscious, but they can have a significant impact on our ability to create a life that aligns with our values and aspirations. By recognising these influences and working to overcome them, we can begin to create a more supportive environment to thrive.

Creating a life that you don't want to escape requires intentional and deliberate action to shift away from social conditioning and towards a life that aligns with your values and aspirations. 

There is no shortcut to learning the skills how to manage your mind, but there are proven, science-backed tools and techniques that work! And it’s my life’s mission to share them to empower you to create a life you don’t want to escape!